A Cookie's Life

Warning: This is mostly a crappy blog. Crappers and crap-accepting folks alike: Welcome! To all others: Warning. Danger! Keep Out! Read On At Your Own Risk! The author shall by no means be liable for any damage caused directly or indirectly, implicitly or explicitly as a result of the reading of the contents of this blog.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Quirky Sh*t

Warning! This post contains explicit gross details pertaining to the toilet. If you have a weak stomach for such stuff, DO NOT READ ON!!! The author is not responsible for any damages caused directly or indirectly as a result of reading this post (inclusive of any financial damages that may arise due to the wastage of food bought, consumed and regurgitated).

It all started on a Saturday afternoon when 2 guys decided to treat Glass Cookie on his Birthday + 2 ('2' because Saturday is 2 days past his birthday). Somehow, all 3 came to a consensus of dining at a good meat buffet restaurant which shall not be named lest its reputation goes down as a result of this explicit blog post. This was what happened...

[The three guys were happily munching lots of food more than halfway through the meal before Guy1 decides to go to the toilet]

Guy 1: I feel like puking; I need to go to the toilet...

[Guy 1 goes off to puke, then comes back]

Glass Cookie: Wa, not feeling well?

Guy 1: No. It's just that I'm sensitive to these kind (i.e oily, meaty, rich, 'jerlat') of smells.

Glass Cookie: I see...

[Then, about 3 quarters through the meal...]

Guy 2: Hey, I need to go to the toilet

[Guy 2 goes to the toilet and comes back]

Guy 2: Wa, I 'lau' (ie. had a diarrhea)

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hmmm, strange... I'm ok though. Haha, maybe my stomach's stronger than them. Then again, they usually eat all kinds of stuff that I wouldn't dare touch, especially Guy 2. Maybe I'll get it tomorrow? Oh well, who cares? Just enjoy your food...

[After the dinner, Guy 1 goes off to the toilet again while Glass Cookie and Guy 2 decided to stay put at one place observing how someone makes a business by twists and turns a balloon into all kinds of shapes]

Guy 2 to Guy 1: Just now you also 'lau' right?

[Guy 1 nods his head]

Glass Cookie: Lalala, glad it's not me. But strange that they both got it... Not a very good feeling about this one...

...
...
...

[And then, came the sunday morning when Glass Cookie goes to church, and decides to use the toilet just in case]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hey, I'm almost constipating, which is worrisome. Looks like I could use a diarrhea man... In any case, I'm glad I didn't get a diarrhea yesterday...

[And the Glass Cookie goes to the service, listens to the other cookie nagging about overeating, comes home after church and decides to do go to the toilet again]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hmmm, nothing much came out. Phew, at least I wasn't constipating.

[After some time, Glass Cookie decides to do some work on the laptop]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Ooo, I think I'm going to let of a fart, hehe...

[At the moment that Glass Cookie lets off a fart...]

Glass Cookie's brain, logistics department: OK, pressure valve open. Releasing pressure

Glass Cookie's brain, ear department: Farting sound heard. Operation Fart successful.

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: Red alert! Red alert! This is not a drill! Oil sensation detected. Location: Anus. All respective departments to move out A.S.A.P.!

Glass Cookie's brain, hand department: Placing the laptop away!

Glass Cookie's brain, leg department: Scrambling to the toilet!

[Glass Cookie reaches the toilet, does the necessary preparation for a major system flush down]

Glass Cookie's brain, anus department: Releasing emergency valve in 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, -2 oops, not yet... ok, 3, 2, 1, release!

Glass Cookie's brain: Mission successful. Load jettisoned!

Glass Cookie's brain, nose department: Hey, this smells just like yesterday's dinner

Glass Cookie's brain to nose department: This is gross! You are not supposed to be 'quasi-enjoying' yesterday's dinner in such a place! This thought will be discarded immediately lest this gets to the other departments (e.g. stomach, tongue department)

Glass Cookie's brain, nose department: Roger that! Suppressing sensory cell activity...

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: Erm, strange toilet water activity detected. Brown fluids floating on top of the water surface detected.

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: As per previous report, it is most possibly oil.

Glass Cookie's brain: Not possible. Eye department, can you confirm your report again. It's probably just some high-fibre sh*t.

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: Affirmative. A film of brown oil is on top of the surface of the water. The sh*t's at the bottom of the ocean, heavy as can be, as expected of a heavy meat diet. And... hmmm, I think the oil is still pretty fluid although they coagulate like lava lamps.

Glass Cookie's brain: What???!!! That's some quirky sh*t man! OK, our business is done here, Let's get out of here. Hand department, carry on from here

Glass Cookie's brain, hand department: Got it!

[Glass Cookie's hand grabs some toilet paper and proceeds to wipe the anus when suddenly...]

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: Warning! Oil is felt on the hands! Skin sensory cells failed to detect any oil presence previously on the butt but oil is definitely felt on the hands.

Glass Cookie's brain: What???!!! The hand had merely touched the extreme sides of the butt. Did the oil just explode out and performed collateral damage on the surrounding butt region? This is some messy quirky crap man!

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: It is confirmed that the hand has suffered some oil damage.

Glass Cookie's brain: Sigh, carry on, hand department... *&%5E@#!&^%#!

[After that, the oil spill incident is history....]



Conclusion 1: Perhaps the body is smart enough to extract all the unwanted oil? Hey, that means a massive meat diet may well be a healthy low-fat diet!

Conclusion 2: Then again, maybe not, considering that this was a pretty traumatic experience, to see a whole mess of oil floating on the toilet water surface...

Thought 1: Hey, that could well be a low-cost business idea for high-margin lava lamps! Idea eh?

Thought 2: Could the diarrhea indicent for all 3 of us be due to the drink that Guy 1 shared with us? Had a similar effect (minus the lava-lamp-like oil) when I drank enough of that stuff some time back...

posted by Glass Cookie @ 3:34 PM 



3 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

You're full of shit. Pun intended. How's life? I don't have a means to find out because you're not on Facebook, and everyone else seems to be busy with work. Yeah, right. My ass.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Glass Cookie said...

Hi Nick,

Life's good =) Job's quite ok just that I'm getting busier as the project team's delivering the project next month. Some updates:

- Getting married next year
- Managed to ballot successfully for a flat that will be up in 5-6 years time.
- Got converted from contract staff to perm staff at the beginning of this year
- Still happily programming away, haha =)

Just read your interesting post on cooking. I'm cooking this evening (considering that it's 1 a.m. on a saturday morning, haha) =) And hey, it's definitely much cheaper man. I've stopped going to certain restaurants especially when I feel my cooking tastes better, haha =)

12:56 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Excellent. Now some updates from me:

1. Finished my master's degree
2. Moved to Colorado
3. Got engaged to a nice hot American blonde; getting married next year too
4. Going to apply to PhD programs

I just posted a recipe today. Watch out for more recipes to save money and time!

1:16 PM  

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List Of My All-Time Big Stunts In M&D

30 Jul 2006 - When Silence Is Golden 2
It's funny how history repeats itself in a different form. This time, I minimised the volume of the keyboard to zero to try out a new song "I believe in miracles". And for yet (again, miraculously, ironically) another bizarre reason that I know not of, I actually turned the volume up WITHOUT knowing - and CONTINUED practising. Somehow the amplifiers were turned off by the sound guys (probably a safety measure against stuntmen like me?) until they could finally silence it no more and suddenly, out of the nowhere (oh, sorry, that would be the keyboard) came a loud note that penetrated the silence. I jerked in shock (very obviously). And yes, once again it's during the announcement time when silence is definitely golden.



04 Jun 2006 - Time and Congregation Waits For No Man
It was another faithful day in church, playing the keyboard for morning service, 9 and 11 a.m. After the 2nd service praise & worship session, it so happened that no one else could make it for the closing song. Well, since I was pretty free, I was asked to play it. So, I went down, charted out the chords, practised the piece in the tabernacle. On my way up the stairs, the first thought in my mind was: "Hey, it's so crowded. I need to get up the stairs. Now, how do I queeeeeze my way through?". The second thought in my mind was: "Hey, why is there a crowd coming down at this time? ... ... ... NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Man, time passes fast when you're practising the piano in church, and painstakingly slowly when it comes to exam pieces.



[No date] When Silence Is Golden
It was during the announcement, when pastor was giving out announcements before the offering song. Silence was observed as the pastor spoke. I retracted my hand from the score folder beyond the keyboard. For some amazing reason, my hand retraction path headed for the keys of the keyboard. And since the word 'fast' to describe the retraction rate was an understatement (for yet another reason I know not of)... you know the rest of the story.



[No Date] When Silence Is... Anything But Golden
Hmmm... once the amplifier on my side was switched off for some reason during praise & worship. And for some other reason that I know not of, I thought that the keyboard sound couldn't be heard. So, I tried pressing some keys. Didn't hear anything - drums were too loud. I proceeded to bang some keys repeatedly until... hmmm... I thought I heard something. Oh oh... ONLY my amplifier was turned off. (Note: Instrument: Brass sect 1, volume - max.)




List Of Other Small Stunts/Experiences In M&D

Fastest Fingers First
As a keyboardist, one usually comes into contact with different instruments within the same piece. It usually varies from strings, brass, violin to organ sounds. The funny thing is that sometimes, it is possible that your mind suddenly goes blank, and when the next instrument is required, I go "Oh no, what's the number combination for brass???!!! Wait wait wait wait...". And as usual, time and tide waits for no man. No. More accurately, a drummer waits for no number-fumbling keyboardist. Yea, that's the description man. Solution (ok, this is not a solution but an undesired consequence): Play a brass part with strings, or an organ part with brass, or none at all.



Cold Fingers
Usually, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is very cold to me. Sometimes, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is deep-freeze cold. Under cold or colder conditions, the fingers may or will harden and lose its dexterity. Then again, stuff could still be played, however stiff the fingers may be (with diminishing quality). Solution? Rub them while resting, or else, take off one playing hand and rub it vigorously without catching too much attention. I mean, what else can i do? I remove both hands when I need them ON they keyboard!!! Oh, I missed out that hand-clapping would be a sure kill to whatever heat you may have desperately tried to generate.



Record Breaker
Well, each week CD-RWs and envelopes used to contain the scores passed to musicians would be recycled. They are returned back to the musician's basket in the metal cabinet so that they can be used again. Of course, each time a person would return his/her envelope and CD used the previous week. Well, just somewhere in the 3rd week of June 2006 I returned a record holding of (prehaps of all-time in Lighthouse Evangelism's 16 years of establishment) of 9 envelopes with 3 missing somewhere at home. Oh well, you can't really blame me cause for the first time in my life, I saw the word "envelope" in the sms reminder about recycling. Or at least I would like to think so, about my first time noticing that word (fingers crossed).



Stubborn Pedal
Do you have any idea what it is like to have a pedal refusing to budge when moved with your feet, only to exceed its ideal position when you decide to set your adjusting strength to "brutal level". At that kind of rate, it just never gets to the position that you want it to be. Last resort: Bend down and move it with your hand just before the drummer starts his 4-beat intro to the next song.



Moving Pedal
Amazingly, although the pedal refuses to budge when you want it to, somehow it also refuses to stay in the spot when you want it to. And the more you pedal, the further it gets away from you no matter how you position your foot. And in extreme cases you may find yourself almost starting to slouch or slip from your seat, not that the keyboardist seat is any immobile than the pedal to begin with. Solution: Try to kick it back (this is the time when the above experience suddenly comes in again). Just what's with the pedal, I wonder?



Confession...
Take a look at the following score:

=)

Well, since strings sound somewhat soft, and somewhat muffled such that demisemiquavers are not to distinct, and considering it does take up time and there are 5 other pieces to go, and considering this is but 2 bars in a 100 bar piece, and considering blah blah blah... sometimes I play just a note. (OK, most of the time, happy?) Hey, I'm not the only keyboardist around guilty right? Someone tell me I'm not the only one... pleeeese....



Lame Invention List + Misc

Inventions
- Metal-coated tea bag to help with the sinking (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Plug-in phones for plugging into a payphone to call - unable to recieve call. However, 10 cents will still be needed and you pay your monthly phone bills as usual (Edmund Lum)

- A clean dirt-free rubbish chute (Edmund Lum)

- A touchpad keyboard similar to the touchpad on a laptop, with letters on it (Edmund Lum)

- USB-portable touchpad (Edmund Lum)

- A square CD for better storage (Edmund Lum)

- Battery-powered book (Edmund Lum)

- Disposable dustbins (Edmund Lum)

- A "short circuit" switch that help save electricity when there is nobody at home (Edmund Lum)

- A white/black highlighter (Edmund Lum)

- Safety deposit box made of pure diamond for hardness. It is transparent to allow better visual of objects within it (Edmund Lum)

- An optic mouse combined with a decorated ball placed inside like an old-school mouse to allow any surface usage (Edmund Lum)

- DIY handphone to cut cost (Edmund Lum)

- A plastic knife - no rusting and it is lighter (Edmund Lum)

- Quick dry glue, only 0.2 sec of dry time (Edmund Lum)

- Doorless toliet for faster access (Edmund Lum)

- A pen with wider pen hole to prevent that all-time infamous ink jam (Edmund Lum)

- A 5-mm thick paper to prevent paper cut (Edmund Lum)

- Water-proof toilet paper to prevent wetting the entire roll when dropped on a wet floor, or easy breakage (Edmund Lum)

- A thermal panel powered heater (Edmund Lum)

- A faq list for patients who do not want to reply to any visitors (Edmund Lum & Glass Cookie)

- A deodorant that puts people off (Mustard seed)

- An umbrella with a wire connection (to attract lightning) that's earthed (Edmund Lum)

- An earthquake detector that sounds when there's an earthquake (Edmund Lum)

- A water sensor at the shoreline to detect an approaching tsunami (Edmund Lum)

- A energy-saving fridge that switches itself on via a smell senser specially for detecting certain rotting smells (Edmund Lum)

- A fire extinguishing bomb that creates a huge area of vacuum (sounds familiar?) so as to deprive the fire of oxygen (Edmund Lum)

- A solar powered torchlight

- A power-saving exit sign that lights up only when someone is around (Gabriel Goh)

- A self-locking door that locks itself when no one's around and unlocks itself when someone's near (Edmund Lum)

- Pencil lead harder than steel to improve on its fragility (Edmund Lum)

- A water-proof teabag to prevent breakage over long periods of soaking (Edmund Lum)

- A manual powered air conditioner (Glass Cookie)

- A water-sensitive sprinkler (Edmund Lum)

- A auto retractable roof via light and water sensors, hidden in the wall for protection (Edmund Lum)

- An anti-burglary system with the switch and sensor in the same room (Edmund Lum)

- A wooden barbecue pit (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- An acrylic oil rig and drill bit to save $$$ (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- A windows based DOS command prompt program (Glass Cookie)

- A wired handphone (Jackson Lum)


Misc
- A birthday breakfast celebration (Glass Cookie and Jackson Lum)

- A domesticated grizzily bear (Glass Cookie, inspired by Amanda Low)