Quirky Sh*t

Warning! This post contains explicit gross details pertaining to the toilet. If you have a weak stomach for such stuff, DO NOT READ ON!!! The author is not responsible for any damages caused directly or indirectly as a result of reading this post (inclusive of any financial damages that may arise due to the wastage of food bought, consumed and regurgitated).

It all started on a Saturday afternoon when 2 guys decided to treat Glass Cookie on his Birthday + 2 ('2' because Saturday is 2 days past his birthday). Somehow, all 3 came to a consensus of dining at a good meat buffet restaurant which shall not be named lest its reputation goes down as a result of this explicit blog post. This was what happened...

[The three guys were happily munching lots of food more than halfway through the meal before Guy1 decides to go to the toilet]

Guy 1: I feel like puking; I need to go to the toilet...

[Guy 1 goes off to puke, then comes back]

Glass Cookie: Wa, not feeling well?

Guy 1: No. It's just that I'm sensitive to these kind (i.e oily, meaty, rich, 'jerlat') of smells.

Glass Cookie: I see...

[Then, about 3 quarters through the meal...]

Guy 2: Hey, I need to go to the toilet

[Guy 2 goes to the toilet and comes back]

Guy 2: Wa, I 'lau' (ie. had a diarrhea)

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hmmm, strange... I'm ok though. Haha, maybe my stomach's stronger than them. Then again, they usually eat all kinds of stuff that I wouldn't dare touch, especially Guy 2. Maybe I'll get it tomorrow? Oh well, who cares? Just enjoy your food...

[After the dinner, Guy 1 goes off to the toilet again while Glass Cookie and Guy 2 decided to stay put at one place observing how someone makes a business by twists and turns a balloon into all kinds of shapes]

Guy 2 to Guy 1: Just now you also 'lau' right?

[Guy 1 nods his head]

Glass Cookie: Lalala, glad it's not me. But strange that they both got it... Not a very good feeling about this one...

...
...
...

[And then, came the sunday morning when Glass Cookie goes to church, and decides to use the toilet just in case]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hey, I'm almost constipating, which is worrisome. Looks like I could use a diarrhea man... In any case, I'm glad I didn't get a diarrhea yesterday...

[And the Glass Cookie goes to the service, listens to the other cookie nagging about overeating, comes home after church and decides to do go to the toilet again]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Hmmm, nothing much came out. Phew, at least I wasn't constipating.

[After some time, Glass Cookie decides to do some work on the laptop]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Ooo, I think I'm going to let of a fart, hehe...

[At the moment that Glass Cookie lets off a fart...]

Glass Cookie's brain, logistics department: OK, pressure valve open. Releasing pressure

Glass Cookie's brain, ear department: Farting sound heard. Operation Fart successful.

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: Red alert! Red alert! This is not a drill! Oil sensation detected. Location: Anus. All respective departments to move out A.S.A.P.!

Glass Cookie's brain, hand department: Placing the laptop away!

Glass Cookie's brain, leg department: Scrambling to the toilet!

[Glass Cookie reaches the toilet, does the necessary preparation for a major system flush down]

Glass Cookie's brain, anus department: Releasing emergency valve in 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, -2 oops, not yet... ok, 3, 2, 1, release!

Glass Cookie's brain: Mission successful. Load jettisoned!

Glass Cookie's brain, nose department: Hey, this smells just like yesterday's dinner

Glass Cookie's brain to nose department: This is gross! You are not supposed to be 'quasi-enjoying' yesterday's dinner in such a place! This thought will be discarded immediately lest this gets to the other departments (e.g. stomach, tongue department)

Glass Cookie's brain, nose department: Roger that! Suppressing sensory cell activity...

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: Erm, strange toilet water activity detected. Brown fluids floating on top of the water surface detected.

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: As per previous report, it is most possibly oil.

Glass Cookie's brain: Not possible. Eye department, can you confirm your report again. It's probably just some high-fibre sh*t.

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: Affirmative. A film of brown oil is on top of the surface of the water. The sh*t's at the bottom of the ocean, heavy as can be, as expected of a heavy meat diet. And... hmmm, I think the oil is still pretty fluid although they coagulate like lava lamps.

Glass Cookie's brain: What???!!! That's some quirky sh*t man! OK, our business is done here, Let's get out of here. Hand department, carry on from here

Glass Cookie's brain, hand department: Got it!

[Glass Cookie's hand grabs some toilet paper and proceeds to wipe the anus when suddenly...]

Glass Cookie's brain, skin department: Warning! Oil is felt on the hands! Skin sensory cells failed to detect any oil presence previously on the butt but oil is definitely felt on the hands.

Glass Cookie's brain: What???!!! The hand had merely touched the extreme sides of the butt. Did the oil just explode out and performed collateral damage on the surrounding butt region? This is some messy quirky crap man!

Glass Cookie's brain, eye department: It is confirmed that the hand has suffered some oil damage.

Glass Cookie's brain: Sigh, carry on, hand department... *&%5E@#!&^%#!

[After that, the oil spill incident is history....]



Conclusion 1: Perhaps the body is smart enough to extract all the unwanted oil? Hey, that means a massive meat diet may well be a healthy low-fat diet!

Conclusion 2: Then again, maybe not, considering that this was a pretty traumatic experience, to see a whole mess of oil floating on the toilet water surface...

Thought 1: Hey, that could well be a low-cost business idea for high-margin lava lamps! Idea eh?

Thought 2: Could the diarrhea indicent for all 3 of us be due to the drink that Guy 1 shared with us? Had a similar effect (minus the lava-lamp-like oil) when I drank enough of that stuff some time back...

IPPT Aftermath

Yay! I passed my IPPT with a silver! Although I'm aching all over and feeling generally tired out (yet, not tired enough not to blog), the 'cheong-ing' of my 2.4 km run, chin ups and gang is worth the effort.

Thinking back... last year, I only managed to pass with a merit. Recalling my uni days, I managed to pass with merit, barely pass and even failed once (in a reverse-chronological order). As such, a few hypothesis could be drawn out from these experiences:

Hypothesis 1: Lesser training time = greater desperation = better prayer life = bonus performance from heaven above

Hypothesis 2: Ageing = more 'nua' (ie. lazy) = more desperate training measures prior to IPPT = higher passing rate

Hypothesis 3: Double-cookie upgrade = Greater happiness = increased endorphins = enhanced performance = higher passing rate

Hmmm... which one would best explain this trend, I wonder?


Disclaimer: The time interval between this blog post and the previous one is not an indicator of my happiness

Donkey Months

Woohoo... it's been donkey months since I last blogged, and hence the title, cause I can't think of a better title. That being said, it does not mean that I feel that it's a good title. Rather, that's the best that I could churn out without having to utilise donkey minutes.

Hmmm, it seems to me that the times when I blogged quite often was when I was in school, ranting on how crappy my course was and all. Over time, when I upgraded to a double-cookie, my blogging decreased. After I started work, it decreased all the further. However, the conclusion of the matter is not that I became more busy. However, it could be expressed as the following equation:

Blogging frequency α 1/happiness

Since blogging frequency is inversely proportionate to happiness, as happiness tends to infinity, blogging frequency tends to zero.

If Blogging frequency α 1/happiness,
Blogging frequency
= K . (1/happiness)
= K/happiness

Given that current blogging frequency = once in 6 months,
1/6*30 = K/current happiness
current happiness = 180.K

Also, given that happiness = 0.001 during the aero course, where blogging frequency = once per week (1/7),
1/7 = K/0.001
K = 0.001/7

As such, current happiness = 180 x 0.001 / 7
= 0.025714285714285714285714285714286
= 0.025714 (5 s.f.)

Conclusion: I am currently 0.025714 / 0.001 = 25.71 times as happy as I was during my uni days.

Note: Nope, unhappiness is not the reason that I'm blogging today. Maybe I shall prove it via my next post (In donkey fossil months to come)... nah, just joking

Strange Encounters...

Today, I realised that I've not updated my blog for donkey months... how time flies... In any case, today was pretty quirky over msn. I was logging into windows live for the first time in donkey months and what I came across was some new people who added me. Thinking that they are my colleagues, I went on to identify some strange name that I don't recognise, and the following conversation took place:

Thought: What a cheap girl

Thought 2: Don't they have anything better to do other than giving away free shows?

Thought 3: Better blot out her name lest my blog becomes a starting source for strangers to go hunting for such stuff...

Coding Quirks 2

And since I'm on medical leave today, I might as well rant about the kind of quirky stuff that I saw that is blood-vomitting-inducing, heart-wrenching and out of this world. Okie, I exaggerate, but seriously, the coding is bad enough.

In the midst of all the debugging that I had to do (well, for example, I found 11 bugs on just a simple window to create a list of items and to generate a list of user-defined selections of that same list), here are some of the quirks that I came across...

1. Find me if you can...
Quirky code:
void main() {
int mynumber = getnumber(5);
}

int getnumber(int number) {
getnumber2(number);
};

int getnumber2(int number) {
getnumber3(number);
};

int getnumber3(int number) {
return 5;
};

What does it mean:
In the program, I want to store a number. Let's call it mynumber. Now, assign that value to be getnumber, which will return getnumber2, which will return getnumber3 which will return 5.

Layman terms/equivalent:
A, B, C and D are in the room facing each other, and A wants to know the name of D. As such, A asks B (in an obvious manner such that D would know it) to ask C to ask D for D's name. After that, D has to tell C to tell B to tell A the name.

Quirk:
Why can't you simply just assign the value of 5 to mynumber???!!! (i.e. simply ask D his name!)

Optimized code:
int mynumber = 5;

2. Cut-and-paste frenzy...
Quirky code:

for (int i=0; i!=5; i++) {

if (i==0) print (0);
else if (i==1) print (1);
else if (i==2) print (2);
else if (i==3) print (3);
else if (i==4) print (4);

}

What does it mean:
I want to print out 0 to 4 on the screen. So, let's start with a number. Let's call the number 'i'. Let 'i' start from 0, and increase it by one each time. Once 'i' reaches 5, stop the increments. Now, as 'i' increments, check its value. If it is a 0, print out a 0. If it is a 1, print out a 1. If it is a 2, print out a 2. If it is a 3, print out a 3. If it is a 4, print out a 4.

Layman terms/equivalent:

In order to type out the numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 on a word processor (i.e. Microsoft Word), first you get someone to count from 0 to 4 slowly. As that person is counting, you get someone else to confirm the number that first person said. Upon confirmation, you type out the number. What the @#$^%???!!!


Optimized code:
The terrible, but more 'forgiving' method in view of the above ultimate example:
print(0);
print(1);
print(2);
print(3);
print(4);

Preferred method:
for (int i=0; i!=5; i++) {
print(i);
}



3. Processing frenzy...
//To duplicate a list of items...
for (each item in Listbox1) {

int position = getindex(item);

//Add the item if the index is valid
if (position != -1) ListBox2.add(item.Text, position);
}


private int getindex(listitem item) {
for (int i=0; i != ListBox1.items.count; i++)

if (ListBox1.item.equal(item)==true) {

return item.index;

break; }

}

return -1;

};

What does it mean:

I have a list of items that I want to duplicate. So, for each item that I want to add to the new duplicated list... first, go through all the items to find its position. After that, then add that item at the same position as it previously was in the list that I want to duplicate. Do this for all the items in the list.

Layman terms/equivalent:

When you want to duplicate a class list, first, select a student from the list. Then, go through the list to find the index number of the student. Once you've found that student, go to the empty class list and write the student in the same exact index number. Do this for all the names in the class list...

Quirk:

Why do you have to keep searching for the index number when you could have simply copied it in order???

Optimized code:

for (int i=0; i!=ListBox1.items.count; i++) {

ListBox2.add(ListBox1.Item[i], i);

}

Okie, that's all the ranting for today until I find more time to blog about more quirks...

All-Time Cookies' Stunt

Well, it has been some time since I've last blogged an entry. In any case, the cookie's back, and with some stunt. That's not all, considering that this time round, the stunt's performed by a duo...

Usually, when one cookie is blur (yup, yup, it happens to any one of the two cookies from time to time), the other would be alert enough to end the blur streak. However, this time round, on one sunday morning when the two cookies were serving in church...

[First song ends and the band proceeds to the next song]

[The other cookie starts playing the intro to "We Offer Praises" by Ron Kenoly and glass cookie plays along]

[As the other cookie played, the MD started playing his bass, but in an obviously unsure manner]

[The worship leader did not start singing after the intro]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Eh, worship leader, don't blur leh...

The other cookie's thoughts: Worship leader blur? Maybe I should play the intro again.

[The other cookie starts playing the intro again, and glass cookie joins in - this time round, the band did not join in]

[Worship leader stops playing but faces the band and smiles widely]

Glass Cookie's thoughts: Is the worship leader on strike or what? Man, this is unexpected!!!

Worship leader: He's been good =) (i.e. referring to the song "He's been good" that should be played next)

[The other cookie starts to laugh in embarrassment]

[Glass cookie starts to laugh too]

[Glass cookie starts to panic, because he realised that for the song "He's been good", he is supposed to play a solo intro...]

[The crowd starts to clap in encouragement]

[Glass cookie starts to switch to the correct instrument on the keyboard and starts playing...]

Oh well, such stuff happens when a song is to be cancelled from the list, and the two cookies happen to be blur at the same time...

Coding Quirks

After over a month on the job, I found a bunch of quirks and inefficiencies when I was told to optimize a collection of programming codes. In some case(s), it was totally unacceptable, according to a computing friend of mine. Well, I'll attempt to put those coding practices currently employed as simply across as possible (since they are probably no different from egyptian hieroglyphs for most people).


1. For the love of assignments...
Quirky code:
int mynumber = 0;
mynumber = 5;

What does it mean:
I need a container to store a number.
Let's call it mynumber.
Let mynumber be an integer (i.e. whole number)
Let mynumber contain the number 0 initially.
Now, set mynumber to contain the value 5.

Layman terms/equivalent:
I want a basket with a random number of apples.
Now, take out all the apples.
Now, I want to put in 5 apples. (Does it sound geh gau? Hehe...)

Quirk:
Why do you need set nynumber to 0 when you could initially set it to 5?

Optimized code:
int mynumber = 5;


2. One can never be too specific...
Quirky code:
if (condition1==true AND condition2==true AND condition3==true) Then
//Do something
else if (condition1==false OR condition2==false OR condition3==false) Then
//Do something else
End

What does it mean:
If condition1, condition2 and condition3 is true, then [do something]
If not, then, if condition1 is false or condition2 is false, or condition3 is false, then [do something else]

Layman terms/equivalent:
If the shirt is green colour, [do something]
Otherwise, if it is red, or if it is blue, or if it is yellow, or if it is white, or if it is black, or if it is pink, or if it is dark green... etc. etc. etc. till the cow finds its way home, gets old, goes cranky and hallucinates about what other colours it might possibly see and dies... then [do something else]

Quirk:
Well, there is something with an 'otherwise' equivalent which is not used...

Optimized code:
if (condition1==true AND condition2==true AND condition3==true) Then
//Do something
Else
//Do something else
End


3. Double negatives...
Quirky code:
if (condition1!=false) Then
//Do something
End

What does it mean:
If condition1 is not equal to false, [do something]

Layman terms/equivalent:
Imagine someone who talks in this manner: "If you are not (not (not (not tired))), would you like to... etc."

Optimized code:
if (condition1==true) Then
//Do something
End


4. To be absolutly absolute...
Quirky code:
x = abs(-5 + 8 / 200)
if ( abs(x) > 5 ) Then
//Do something
End

What does it mean:
Set x to the value of (-5 + 8 / 200) and 'absolute' it (i.e. make it positive)
if the absolute of x (which is already 'absoluted') is greater than 5, [do something]

Layman terms/equivalent:
Log into your email account.
Then, log into your email account (via another web browser window) to check for mail.

Optimized code:
x = abs(-5 + 8 / 200)
if ( x > 5 ) Then
//Do something
End

Well, there are many more quirks that I came across, but I guess I shall stop for now lest my blog becomes a groggy-inducing aid. =)

Fragged

Well, something interesting that I noticed at my work was the following, when I defragged the computer assigned to me the first time:

This is definitely, seriously, absolutely the most fragmented hard disk I've ever come across in my lifetime. Man... I'm wondering what else I could possibly come across as the days go by...