A Cookie's Life

Warning: This is mostly a crappy blog. Crappers and crap-accepting folks alike: Welcome! To all others: Warning. Danger! Keep Out! Read On At Your Own Risk! The author shall by no means be liable for any damage caused directly or indirectly, implicitly or explicitly as a result of the reading of the contents of this blog.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A Rare Crappy Conversation

Well, although it's late at night and I've got my maths paper coming up in 3 (ok, make that 2, considering it's after midnight now) days time, I thought I'd just blog and get more of a life (well, I wouldn't say "get a life", since there isn't one in engineering in general and it's not like blogging is an activity full of 'life' as one would see it) considering that I've been studying for at least 5-7 hours a day, everyday including weekends and I'm getting sick of it.

Anyway, just a couple of days ago, my sis and I actually had a rare conversation. Well, not that conversations were rare between us, but it is rare (as the title suggests) as my anti-crappy sis actually started crapping. And since it's actually so rare, I thought I'd just blog about it. And here was how it went:

[As Glass Cookie (GC)'s sister was lying on her bed, GC noticed something about her head/scalp/whatever-you-call-it]

GC: Hey, I could see a bald patch (ie. on GC's sis' head)

GC's sis: Huh? Where?

GC: Hmmm, pass me your camera phone...

[GC takes hold of GC's sis' phone and tries to snap a picture]

GC (can't really be bothered to check out the settings for himself): Hey, it's pitch dark.

GC's sis: Oh, you need to switch to night mode.

GC's thoughts: Yup, I know that. Hmmm... I should have just changed it myself. What was I thinking about asking her?

[GC snaps the picture and passes his sis the camera phone, and some conversation with regards to the bald patch takes place. Then, it reaches a point where: ]

...
...
...

GC: Hey, I think I know how you got it (ie. the bald patch). Do you still remember? When we were kids, we were running at home and you hit your head against a chair.

GC's sis: Huh? Is it? I can't remember leh...

GC: Well, it's a white chair at our house in Farrer Court, remember?

GC's sis: You see la. If I didn't hit my head I would be in RJ already...

GC (taken aback at the crappy answer): Hey, you're crapping! ... ... Well, I also remember hitting my head against the tap twice when I was small. Daddy even panicked at the sight of the blood...

GC's sis: Oh, then you could have gone to Harvard already (if not for the accidents)...

And surprisingly, the above was not all. Somehow, the crappy conversation went on to what criteria would she use should any guy be interested in her. And this was the list that she gave (note that the bracketed figure states the percentage of guys left after the condition has been in place):

GC's sis' Criteria
- He must not have any leg hair (50%)
- He must not have disgusting skin complexion (50%)
-He must be taller than her (65%)
- Totally disgusting guys are out (ie. having one or more of the following): (80%)
>>> minimal hygiene
>>> play neopets
>>> beer belly
>>> greasy, unkempt hair
>>> guys who finish up their meal and burping loudly, then saying "bao2 bao3"
>>> has a habit of biting his nails
- His salary must be higher than her (80%)
- He must be stronger than her - or she will club him to death (60%)
- He must not be a wimp (85%)
- He mustn't like pink (99%)
- Lame guys are out, because she thinks their jokes are retarded (But do note that this does not apply to my kind of crapping as my sis thinks that at least the kind of crap I post on my blog shows "some kind of intelligence" to her). (95%)

But the thing is, I thought the following criteria would be applicable:
- He must be able to accept physical abuse (50%)
- He must be able to withstand verbal abuse (e.g. from GC's sis: "I hate your Hong Kong accent") (50%)
- He must be able to withstand belittlement (e.g. from GC's sis: "I despise you"), considering that guys do have an ego (25%)
- He must not be introverted (50%)
- He must accept her "cute" size (25%)

And on top of that, general statistics, trends and assumptions have it that:
- Guys make up 50% of the population (50%)
- 50% of the guys are supposedly attached (50%)
- He must be a Christian (14%)
- His education must equal her or better (75%)

Considering that she would be exposed to 3 batches of people around her age group, and that she was born in the dragon year, the number of people for the sample size would be 50,000 (estimated figure for dragon year babies of her birth year) +40,000 x 2 = 130,000.

Thus, multiplying the above figure with all the percentages would leave her with 1.33 guy(s) (well, I'm not sure if 1.33 is indicative of a plural or not, so I thought I'd just play safe and leave it as a bracket 's'). And since it's not possible to be attached to 0.33 of a guy (I shall not elaborate on how a guy could be 0.33 lest it gets way off topic), that leaves her with one guy.

And my sis' conclusion was, that has to be the guy that God has in store for her. =)

Hmmm, I have no idea how to end this post, so I shall simply end now.

posted by Glass Cookie @ 2:41 AM 



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List Of My All-Time Big Stunts In M&D

30 Jul 2006 - When Silence Is Golden 2
It's funny how history repeats itself in a different form. This time, I minimised the volume of the keyboard to zero to try out a new song "I believe in miracles". And for yet (again, miraculously, ironically) another bizarre reason that I know not of, I actually turned the volume up WITHOUT knowing - and CONTINUED practising. Somehow the amplifiers were turned off by the sound guys (probably a safety measure against stuntmen like me?) until they could finally silence it no more and suddenly, out of the nowhere (oh, sorry, that would be the keyboard) came a loud note that penetrated the silence. I jerked in shock (very obviously). And yes, once again it's during the announcement time when silence is definitely golden.



04 Jun 2006 - Time and Congregation Waits For No Man
It was another faithful day in church, playing the keyboard for morning service, 9 and 11 a.m. After the 2nd service praise & worship session, it so happened that no one else could make it for the closing song. Well, since I was pretty free, I was asked to play it. So, I went down, charted out the chords, practised the piece in the tabernacle. On my way up the stairs, the first thought in my mind was: "Hey, it's so crowded. I need to get up the stairs. Now, how do I queeeeeze my way through?". The second thought in my mind was: "Hey, why is there a crowd coming down at this time? ... ... ... NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Man, time passes fast when you're practising the piano in church, and painstakingly slowly when it comes to exam pieces.



[No date] When Silence Is Golden
It was during the announcement, when pastor was giving out announcements before the offering song. Silence was observed as the pastor spoke. I retracted my hand from the score folder beyond the keyboard. For some amazing reason, my hand retraction path headed for the keys of the keyboard. And since the word 'fast' to describe the retraction rate was an understatement (for yet another reason I know not of)... you know the rest of the story.



[No Date] When Silence Is... Anything But Golden
Hmmm... once the amplifier on my side was switched off for some reason during praise & worship. And for some other reason that I know not of, I thought that the keyboard sound couldn't be heard. So, I tried pressing some keys. Didn't hear anything - drums were too loud. I proceeded to bang some keys repeatedly until... hmmm... I thought I heard something. Oh oh... ONLY my amplifier was turned off. (Note: Instrument: Brass sect 1, volume - max.)




List Of Other Small Stunts/Experiences In M&D

Fastest Fingers First
As a keyboardist, one usually comes into contact with different instruments within the same piece. It usually varies from strings, brass, violin to organ sounds. The funny thing is that sometimes, it is possible that your mind suddenly goes blank, and when the next instrument is required, I go "Oh no, what's the number combination for brass???!!! Wait wait wait wait...". And as usual, time and tide waits for no man. No. More accurately, a drummer waits for no number-fumbling keyboardist. Yea, that's the description man. Solution (ok, this is not a solution but an undesired consequence): Play a brass part with strings, or an organ part with brass, or none at all.



Cold Fingers
Usually, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is very cold to me. Sometimes, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is deep-freeze cold. Under cold or colder conditions, the fingers may or will harden and lose its dexterity. Then again, stuff could still be played, however stiff the fingers may be (with diminishing quality). Solution? Rub them while resting, or else, take off one playing hand and rub it vigorously without catching too much attention. I mean, what else can i do? I remove both hands when I need them ON they keyboard!!! Oh, I missed out that hand-clapping would be a sure kill to whatever heat you may have desperately tried to generate.



Record Breaker
Well, each week CD-RWs and envelopes used to contain the scores passed to musicians would be recycled. They are returned back to the musician's basket in the metal cabinet so that they can be used again. Of course, each time a person would return his/her envelope and CD used the previous week. Well, just somewhere in the 3rd week of June 2006 I returned a record holding of (prehaps of all-time in Lighthouse Evangelism's 16 years of establishment) of 9 envelopes with 3 missing somewhere at home. Oh well, you can't really blame me cause for the first time in my life, I saw the word "envelope" in the sms reminder about recycling. Or at least I would like to think so, about my first time noticing that word (fingers crossed).



Stubborn Pedal
Do you have any idea what it is like to have a pedal refusing to budge when moved with your feet, only to exceed its ideal position when you decide to set your adjusting strength to "brutal level". At that kind of rate, it just never gets to the position that you want it to be. Last resort: Bend down and move it with your hand just before the drummer starts his 4-beat intro to the next song.



Moving Pedal
Amazingly, although the pedal refuses to budge when you want it to, somehow it also refuses to stay in the spot when you want it to. And the more you pedal, the further it gets away from you no matter how you position your foot. And in extreme cases you may find yourself almost starting to slouch or slip from your seat, not that the keyboardist seat is any immobile than the pedal to begin with. Solution: Try to kick it back (this is the time when the above experience suddenly comes in again). Just what's with the pedal, I wonder?



Confession...
Take a look at the following score:

=)

Well, since strings sound somewhat soft, and somewhat muffled such that demisemiquavers are not to distinct, and considering it does take up time and there are 5 other pieces to go, and considering this is but 2 bars in a 100 bar piece, and considering blah blah blah... sometimes I play just a note. (OK, most of the time, happy?) Hey, I'm not the only keyboardist around guilty right? Someone tell me I'm not the only one... pleeeese....



Lame Invention List + Misc

Inventions
- Metal-coated tea bag to help with the sinking (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Plug-in phones for plugging into a payphone to call - unable to recieve call. However, 10 cents will still be needed and you pay your monthly phone bills as usual (Edmund Lum)

- A clean dirt-free rubbish chute (Edmund Lum)

- A touchpad keyboard similar to the touchpad on a laptop, with letters on it (Edmund Lum)

- USB-portable touchpad (Edmund Lum)

- A square CD for better storage (Edmund Lum)

- Battery-powered book (Edmund Lum)

- Disposable dustbins (Edmund Lum)

- A "short circuit" switch that help save electricity when there is nobody at home (Edmund Lum)

- A white/black highlighter (Edmund Lum)

- Safety deposit box made of pure diamond for hardness. It is transparent to allow better visual of objects within it (Edmund Lum)

- An optic mouse combined with a decorated ball placed inside like an old-school mouse to allow any surface usage (Edmund Lum)

- DIY handphone to cut cost (Edmund Lum)

- A plastic knife - no rusting and it is lighter (Edmund Lum)

- Quick dry glue, only 0.2 sec of dry time (Edmund Lum)

- Doorless toliet for faster access (Edmund Lum)

- A pen with wider pen hole to prevent that all-time infamous ink jam (Edmund Lum)

- A 5-mm thick paper to prevent paper cut (Edmund Lum)

- Water-proof toilet paper to prevent wetting the entire roll when dropped on a wet floor, or easy breakage (Edmund Lum)

- A thermal panel powered heater (Edmund Lum)

- A faq list for patients who do not want to reply to any visitors (Edmund Lum & Glass Cookie)

- A deodorant that puts people off (Mustard seed)

- An umbrella with a wire connection (to attract lightning) that's earthed (Edmund Lum)

- An earthquake detector that sounds when there's an earthquake (Edmund Lum)

- A water sensor at the shoreline to detect an approaching tsunami (Edmund Lum)

- A energy-saving fridge that switches itself on via a smell senser specially for detecting certain rotting smells (Edmund Lum)

- A fire extinguishing bomb that creates a huge area of vacuum (sounds familiar?) so as to deprive the fire of oxygen (Edmund Lum)

- A solar powered torchlight

- A power-saving exit sign that lights up only when someone is around (Gabriel Goh)

- A self-locking door that locks itself when no one's around and unlocks itself when someone's near (Edmund Lum)

- Pencil lead harder than steel to improve on its fragility (Edmund Lum)

- A water-proof teabag to prevent breakage over long periods of soaking (Edmund Lum)

- A manual powered air conditioner (Glass Cookie)

- A water-sensitive sprinkler (Edmund Lum)

- A auto retractable roof via light and water sensors, hidden in the wall for protection (Edmund Lum)

- An anti-burglary system with the switch and sensor in the same room (Edmund Lum)

- A wooden barbecue pit (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- An acrylic oil rig and drill bit to save $$$ (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- A windows based DOS command prompt program (Glass Cookie)

- A wired handphone (Jackson Lum)


Misc
- A birthday breakfast celebration (Glass Cookie and Jackson Lum)

- A domesticated grizzily bear (Glass Cookie, inspired by Amanda Low)