A Cookie's Life

Warning: This is mostly a crappy blog. Crappers and crap-accepting folks alike: Welcome! To all others: Warning. Danger! Keep Out! Read On At Your Own Risk! The author shall by no means be liable for any damage caused directly or indirectly, implicitly or explicitly as a result of the reading of the contents of this blog.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Moment When Time Slowed Down

Some time back, while I was having my dinner, I suddenly noticed something which people would normally call a nightmare (but you see, I am not those 'people', although I am not trying to imply anything about myself calling things abnormally or the abnormal way. OK, I think this may sound confusing. In short, while people would call it a nightmare, I would refer it as "one of the nightmare-of-nightmares").

Well, since I'm blogging about a time-related event, I might as well use time as a guide to better relate the situation (note that the time is merely a rough gauge. I certainly did not have the luxury - or rather, insanity, although engineering is sanity-consuming by nature - to time my actions with a stopwatch) :

Time = 0 s (Erm, I'm not trying to imply that something happened when time stood still. Rather, this is merely a reference frame with respect to the time the event started, which was around 830 p.m.)
[Glass Cookie (GC) was halfway to three-quarters through his dinner when he noticed something flying into the living room through the balcony.]

GC's brain: The eye department would like to convey that the currently-unidentified-but-not-for-long flying object (CUBNFL-F-O) is brown in colour.

GC's thoughts: Hey, something is not right. Something's ominous about this brown thing.

Time = 2 s
[At this point in time, GC has traced the path of the CUBNFL-F-O and determined that it has settled on the curtains in the living room]

GC's brain: The CUBNFL-F-O has been identified. The intelligence unit has the following report:

Identity: Cockroach
Callsigns: Roach, freakshows, xiao3 qiang2
Size: Large. Probably adult.
Physical appearance: A weird oval. It seemed like a fattened roach.
Threat: Highly dangerous. Proceed with caution.

GC's thoughts: ARRRGH (volume: 10 x 10^8 decibels)!!! NOT AGAIN...

Time = 3 s
GC's brain: The various muscle departments would like to convey that they are currently on high alert, and some of them are flexed.

GC's subconscious: Hey, could you feel that? Looks like the brain has released adrenaline! Hmmm, fight or flight? Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

GC's thoughts: I need to do something, I need to do something, I need to... etc. etc. (this repeats in a loop indefinitely)


Time = 5 s
GC's thoughts: I'd better cover my soup, since it's the only food item with the largest amount of volume as compared to the other dishes.

GC's subconscious (at this point of time, there is no idea whether the subconscious is up to good or no good): Hurry, hurry, hurry...

GC's thoughts: Hey, there is an empty plate! I guess I'll use that to cover my soup.

Time = 7 s
GC's thoughts: Hmmm, I need to do something. I guess the next best thing is to find a housefly swatter.

[GC leaves his seat and goes off to look for the housefly swatter]

GC's thoughts: Hmmm, where is the swatter? Is it beside the piano?

GC's brain: I'm sorry. Due to the adrenaline being released, the memory retrieval department is currently facing certain technical difficulties. Any inconvenience is deeply regretted.

GC's thoughts: ARRRGH!!! Where is the swatter? Where is the swatter? Hey, it would be great if my piano teacher is here. But that's not the case now. Arrrgh, stop thinking of nonsense and try to recall where the swatter is...

[GC walks around the hall and tries to locate the housefly swatter]

GC's subconscious: Hey, hey, hey... Consider this great idea. Since you are away from the roach now, are you sure you want to confront it? This is a good chance to just hide in your room man. I know you wanna do it...

GC's thoughts: Hmmm, that is not a good idea. I will never be at peace. A cookie's gotta do what a cookie's gotta do. And that is... (wavering, but still insistent) to kill the roach.

Time = 40 s
[The swatter has been found, and GC goes back to the dining area where the curtain is]

GC's brain: Red alert! The eye and intelligence department has the following report on the cockroach:

Current location: Unknown
Last sighted: The curtains
Current possible location: In one of the folds of the curtains.
Suggested next action: Shake the curtains to drive out the target.

GC's subconscious: Ooo, could you feel that? That funny feeling going down your spine.

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh, this is freaky. Guess I'll shake the curtains...

Time = 45 s
[GC gives a whack at the curtains and takes 2 steps back to observe]

GC's brain: There is currently no observation.

Time = 50 s
[GC gives a whack at the curtains and takes 2 steps back to observe again]

GC's brain: There is currently no observation.

Time = 55 s
GC's brain: The intelligence department suggests more to be done. The alternatives are as follows:

1) Remove the main fold of the curtain to draw it out, and take a leap back immediately
2) Keep on whacking at the curtain to draw it out, and frequently take a leap back for safety
3) Stretch out the entire curtain at full length to search for it
4) Do it the garang rambo style and shake the curtains with your bare hands to shake/freak/whatever-you-call-it the freakshow out.

GC's brain: Alert! The intelligence department would like to report that there has been a breach of security. The subconscious department has tampered with the above report and added options 3 and 4.

GC's thoughts: Arrgh!!! I have NO time for crappy options. Hmmm, I think it'll continue hiding and whacking would not draw it out. I'll have to go for option one I guess. Sigh... this sucks. Why did this thing have to enter my home and disturb my peace?

Time = 60 s
[GC proceeds cautiously to the corner of the curtain to release one main fold of the curtain which would reveal the location of the cockroach more clearly, and takes a huge leap backwards]

GC's brain: There is currently no observation.

Time = 62 s
GC's brain: There is currently no observation.

Time = 64 s
GC's brain: There is currently no observation.

Time = 66 s
GC's brain: Warning! The cockroach has been sighted on the curtains!

GC's thoughts: Oh, so there it is...

GC's subconscious: Fight or flight? Fight or flight? (this goes on at a rate of about 3 iterations per second)

Time = 70 s
[GC takes a strike at the cockroach, but misses, and takes a leap back]

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh, missed.

GC's brain: The target has been alerted and has moved to a new location on the curtains. The intellegence department reports that an assault is still possible.

GC's thoughts: OK, I've gotta give it a try again.

Time = 75 s
[GC takes a strike at the cockroach, but misses, and takes a leap back]

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh, I missed again... This is bad bad bad.

GC's brain: The intelligence department reports that the target has yet to move. It is still possible to strick once again.

GC's thoughts: OK, I gotta give it a try again. I musn't miss...

Time = 77.0 s (Notice the decimal point? Yup, this is the moment when time slowed down, if you're wondering what the title of this post actually referred to)
GC's brain: Red alert! The cockroach has taken flight. Its current heading is towards your direction.

GC's thoughts: WHATTTTTT???!!!

GC's brain: Emergency release of large dosages of adrenaline to system peripherals initiated...

Time = 77.1 s
GC's brain: The eye department will now zoom into the target at will. 2x magnification initiated.

GC's thoughts: Hey, I could actually observe the flapping of the roach. Hey, I could also see its feelers too! Man, this is gross and scary.

Time = 77.2 s
GC's brain: Alert! Target approaching from 12 o'clock, 1.1 meters, at chest level.

GC's thoughts: Hey, it's approaching me (ie. the realisation has finally [or suddenly, considering that it was a split second event] taken place, now that the motion of the cockroach could be observed)!!!

GC's subconscious (once again, the subconscious comes out to do stuff, and this time it is uncalled for): Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

Time = 77.3 s
GC's brain: Alert! Target approaching from 12 o'clock, 0.9 meters, at chest level.

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh, it's still approaching me, and it's not steering to the left or right? This is bad bad bad bad bad.

GC's subconscious (somehow, it seemed to take a neutral or pro-GC standpoint): OK, you can't really flee now. This is the time to attack...

GC's brain: Battle protocol and sequence initiated. The hand has been activated. Grip on the swatter has increased, and various muscle groups are now flexed.

Time = 77.4 s
GC's brain: Alert! Target approaching from 12 o'clock, 0.7 meters, at chest level.

GC's thoughts: OK, I think now is the time to strike...

GC's subconscious: Hmmm, you know what? In a very short period of time, it's either the end of the cockroach, or the end of you.

GC's thoughts (grimly): Yup, very soon, either the cockroach or I will perish. Hmmm, I don't think it could actually kill me right? Arrrgh, I have no time to think...

GC's subconscious: Wait for it... wait for it...

GC's thoughts (apparently influenced by the subconscious, and parroting it): Wait for it... wait for it... Hey, everything's slowing down! This is good for me...

Time = 77.50 s (Erm, although I can't explain this other than adrenaline being the cause, time slowed down even further)
GC's brain: Alert! Now is the time to strike. It's now or never.

GC's subconscious: Here goes!

Time = 77.53 s
[GC flexes his grip, aims for the cockroach and accelerates the swing on the arm that holds the swatter]

GC's brain: Alert! Target approaching at 12 o'clock, 0.5 meters, at chest level.

Time = 77.56 s
[The current swing position is at 45 degrees from the horizontal

GC's subconscious: Aim for it...

Time = 77.58 s
[The current swing position is close to 90 degrees from the horizontal

GC's thoughts: Hey, I could actually control my arm movement perfectly!!! This is cool... ... and scary. If I miss, this is the end...

Time = 77.60 s
[The attack is made, and GC recoils back as a preventive measure]

GC's brain: The nerves would like to convey that a deep impact could be felt from the hand. The target is hit. I repeat, the target is hit.

GC's thoughts: Yay! I got it! I got it!

Gc's subconscious: Are you sure you got it? What if you didn't?

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh!!! Is it hit?

GC's brain: The nerves definitely felt a DEEP impact. It is hit.

GC's subconscious: Hey, you're actually feeling very happy.

GC's thoughts: Yay! I got it! I got it!

Time = 77.60 s
GC's brain: Warning! The recoil taken is too great. You are losing balance. I repeat, you are losing balance!

GC's thoughts: Arrrgh, help... I don't want to hit the furniture!

[GC staggers managed to protect himself after hopping some 5 steps or more]
And so ends the freaky episode that took place. This was the mechanism of death of the cockroach:

1) Upon impact, the cockroach was crushed head first by the swatter.
2) The cockroach then accelerated towards the ground. The impact upon hitting the ground was great enough for it to lose a wing.
3) It then bounced off the ground due to the great impact and displaced about 1.5 meters away from GC.
4) When the cockroach was discovered, it was no longer moving at all (according to GC's dad, cockroaches are pretty resilient such that a few whacks may not even cause it to be motionless).

Conclusion: Never underestimate the power of adrenaline rushes (or was it a adrenaline flash flood in my case?), and... may all cockroaches end up like this (erm, I'm not refering to the situation like this one - it's freaky. Rather, may all roaches share the same fate as this intruder).

Conclusion 2:
Cockroach has been defeated. You gain 1 exp and 0 gold pieces.

Congratulations, you have gained a level.

+1 Courage
+1 Attack
+5 Dexterity
+0 Defense
+0 Strength
+0 Intelligence

Reflex booster learned.

posted by Glass Cookie @ 10:58 PM 



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List Of My All-Time Big Stunts In M&D

30 Jul 2006 - When Silence Is Golden 2
It's funny how history repeats itself in a different form. This time, I minimised the volume of the keyboard to zero to try out a new song "I believe in miracles". And for yet (again, miraculously, ironically) another bizarre reason that I know not of, I actually turned the volume up WITHOUT knowing - and CONTINUED practising. Somehow the amplifiers were turned off by the sound guys (probably a safety measure against stuntmen like me?) until they could finally silence it no more and suddenly, out of the nowhere (oh, sorry, that would be the keyboard) came a loud note that penetrated the silence. I jerked in shock (very obviously). And yes, once again it's during the announcement time when silence is definitely golden.



04 Jun 2006 - Time and Congregation Waits For No Man
It was another faithful day in church, playing the keyboard for morning service, 9 and 11 a.m. After the 2nd service praise & worship session, it so happened that no one else could make it for the closing song. Well, since I was pretty free, I was asked to play it. So, I went down, charted out the chords, practised the piece in the tabernacle. On my way up the stairs, the first thought in my mind was: "Hey, it's so crowded. I need to get up the stairs. Now, how do I queeeeeze my way through?". The second thought in my mind was: "Hey, why is there a crowd coming down at this time? ... ... ... NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Man, time passes fast when you're practising the piano in church, and painstakingly slowly when it comes to exam pieces.



[No date] When Silence Is Golden
It was during the announcement, when pastor was giving out announcements before the offering song. Silence was observed as the pastor spoke. I retracted my hand from the score folder beyond the keyboard. For some amazing reason, my hand retraction path headed for the keys of the keyboard. And since the word 'fast' to describe the retraction rate was an understatement (for yet another reason I know not of)... you know the rest of the story.



[No Date] When Silence Is... Anything But Golden
Hmmm... once the amplifier on my side was switched off for some reason during praise & worship. And for some other reason that I know not of, I thought that the keyboard sound couldn't be heard. So, I tried pressing some keys. Didn't hear anything - drums were too loud. I proceeded to bang some keys repeatedly until... hmmm... I thought I heard something. Oh oh... ONLY my amplifier was turned off. (Note: Instrument: Brass sect 1, volume - max.)




List Of Other Small Stunts/Experiences In M&D

Fastest Fingers First
As a keyboardist, one usually comes into contact with different instruments within the same piece. It usually varies from strings, brass, violin to organ sounds. The funny thing is that sometimes, it is possible that your mind suddenly goes blank, and when the next instrument is required, I go "Oh no, what's the number combination for brass???!!! Wait wait wait wait...". And as usual, time and tide waits for no man. No. More accurately, a drummer waits for no number-fumbling keyboardist. Yea, that's the description man. Solution (ok, this is not a solution but an undesired consequence): Play a brass part with strings, or an organ part with brass, or none at all.



Cold Fingers
Usually, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is very cold to me. Sometimes, the atmosphere in the sanctuary is deep-freeze cold. Under cold or colder conditions, the fingers may or will harden and lose its dexterity. Then again, stuff could still be played, however stiff the fingers may be (with diminishing quality). Solution? Rub them while resting, or else, take off one playing hand and rub it vigorously without catching too much attention. I mean, what else can i do? I remove both hands when I need them ON they keyboard!!! Oh, I missed out that hand-clapping would be a sure kill to whatever heat you may have desperately tried to generate.



Record Breaker
Well, each week CD-RWs and envelopes used to contain the scores passed to musicians would be recycled. They are returned back to the musician's basket in the metal cabinet so that they can be used again. Of course, each time a person would return his/her envelope and CD used the previous week. Well, just somewhere in the 3rd week of June 2006 I returned a record holding of (prehaps of all-time in Lighthouse Evangelism's 16 years of establishment) of 9 envelopes with 3 missing somewhere at home. Oh well, you can't really blame me cause for the first time in my life, I saw the word "envelope" in the sms reminder about recycling. Or at least I would like to think so, about my first time noticing that word (fingers crossed).



Stubborn Pedal
Do you have any idea what it is like to have a pedal refusing to budge when moved with your feet, only to exceed its ideal position when you decide to set your adjusting strength to "brutal level". At that kind of rate, it just never gets to the position that you want it to be. Last resort: Bend down and move it with your hand just before the drummer starts his 4-beat intro to the next song.



Moving Pedal
Amazingly, although the pedal refuses to budge when you want it to, somehow it also refuses to stay in the spot when you want it to. And the more you pedal, the further it gets away from you no matter how you position your foot. And in extreme cases you may find yourself almost starting to slouch or slip from your seat, not that the keyboardist seat is any immobile than the pedal to begin with. Solution: Try to kick it back (this is the time when the above experience suddenly comes in again). Just what's with the pedal, I wonder?



Confession...
Take a look at the following score:

=)

Well, since strings sound somewhat soft, and somewhat muffled such that demisemiquavers are not to distinct, and considering it does take up time and there are 5 other pieces to go, and considering this is but 2 bars in a 100 bar piece, and considering blah blah blah... sometimes I play just a note. (OK, most of the time, happy?) Hey, I'm not the only keyboardist around guilty right? Someone tell me I'm not the only one... pleeeese....



Lame Invention List + Misc

Inventions
- Metal-coated tea bag to help with the sinking (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Sound-powered telephone (Edmund Lum)

- Plug-in phones for plugging into a payphone to call - unable to recieve call. However, 10 cents will still be needed and you pay your monthly phone bills as usual (Edmund Lum)

- A clean dirt-free rubbish chute (Edmund Lum)

- A touchpad keyboard similar to the touchpad on a laptop, with letters on it (Edmund Lum)

- USB-portable touchpad (Edmund Lum)

- A square CD for better storage (Edmund Lum)

- Battery-powered book (Edmund Lum)

- Disposable dustbins (Edmund Lum)

- A "short circuit" switch that help save electricity when there is nobody at home (Edmund Lum)

- A white/black highlighter (Edmund Lum)

- Safety deposit box made of pure diamond for hardness. It is transparent to allow better visual of objects within it (Edmund Lum)

- An optic mouse combined with a decorated ball placed inside like an old-school mouse to allow any surface usage (Edmund Lum)

- DIY handphone to cut cost (Edmund Lum)

- A plastic knife - no rusting and it is lighter (Edmund Lum)

- Quick dry glue, only 0.2 sec of dry time (Edmund Lum)

- Doorless toliet for faster access (Edmund Lum)

- A pen with wider pen hole to prevent that all-time infamous ink jam (Edmund Lum)

- A 5-mm thick paper to prevent paper cut (Edmund Lum)

- Water-proof toilet paper to prevent wetting the entire roll when dropped on a wet floor, or easy breakage (Edmund Lum)

- A thermal panel powered heater (Edmund Lum)

- A faq list for patients who do not want to reply to any visitors (Edmund Lum & Glass Cookie)

- A deodorant that puts people off (Mustard seed)

- An umbrella with a wire connection (to attract lightning) that's earthed (Edmund Lum)

- An earthquake detector that sounds when there's an earthquake (Edmund Lum)

- A water sensor at the shoreline to detect an approaching tsunami (Edmund Lum)

- A energy-saving fridge that switches itself on via a smell senser specially for detecting certain rotting smells (Edmund Lum)

- A fire extinguishing bomb that creates a huge area of vacuum (sounds familiar?) so as to deprive the fire of oxygen (Edmund Lum)

- A solar powered torchlight

- A power-saving exit sign that lights up only when someone is around (Gabriel Goh)

- A self-locking door that locks itself when no one's around and unlocks itself when someone's near (Edmund Lum)

- Pencil lead harder than steel to improve on its fragility (Edmund Lum)

- A water-proof teabag to prevent breakage over long periods of soaking (Edmund Lum)

- A manual powered air conditioner (Glass Cookie)

- A water-sensitive sprinkler (Edmund Lum)

- A auto retractable roof via light and water sensors, hidden in the wall for protection (Edmund Lum)

- An anti-burglary system with the switch and sensor in the same room (Edmund Lum)

- A wooden barbecue pit (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- An acrylic oil rig and drill bit to save $$$ (Glass Cookie and Edmund Chen)

- A windows based DOS command prompt program (Glass Cookie)

- A wired handphone (Jackson Lum)


Misc
- A birthday breakfast celebration (Glass Cookie and Jackson Lum)

- A domesticated grizzily bear (Glass Cookie, inspired by Amanda Low)